1618 21 July Vet labs Hares Sema Nami &
Critic Mercury and Kamisi

Gather round was called on time after some hashers like Mguu were reportedly to have arrived at the venue about three hours earlier and sleeping tightly with roars of snoars.
After demeaning the previous Thika road run at Roaster Inn,hashers had relatively turned up in a good number and after afew announcement by the RA,,,,,,,ON ON was the thing and hashers sheepishly followed one another to the gate.The well marked run was good along the fields and into some bushes towards the eastern side of the club and as usual the Dead man walking leading the FRBs upto the wet hold.
To the surprise of the short runners,their run ended there (HOLD) and no more run for them again but to walk back home through the same route.Some like Surabaya were heard complaining how the short was long after covering less than 4km yet they are like pregnants.For the long they got a share of what they had not bargained for as long was too short although they seemed to have some steep slopes up and down and completing with along gentle lane towards home covering about 12.5km.
Downs downs started at a low key note with RA not sure which run number it was,but the occasion glows up burning with a host of offenders.Leading the pack was Halfmast who hijacked the national anthem while on his knees and ended it prematurely to the amusement of the RA and the late GM Topi.
Wetfuck and Kichwaa were found guilty for hanging on the tree looking for wild fruits while Takataka who seems of the late only comes to drink without running was accused of breaking hash rules that {you shall only drink while or after running}.Muratina was the returnee of the day while Benedic was the new virgin but Samson was baptised by the late GM Topi and called Thighmaster and given a free gift of a reflector which he seemed to have accepted joyfully.
Hale hale hallleeluyaaa marked the end of down down with bitings from Semanami the hare..
Thumbs up for a well organised run.

1617 14 July Roasters Inn Hares Mercury and Kamisi
Critic s Crackers and Idiot

At 5.40 pm the GM called the gather round. After some formalities announcements ;;;;;;;;;;; Mombasa………. Dinai is Ksh. 2 nights and three days . Wow! Said the crowd as they were entices by the Idiot
It was time ………….On On……………shouts the GM and of we went in to the red soil of Graden Estate
The evening was cold!!!!!! "Enough freeze the nuts " said Mguu as he ran with a limp due to his stretching exercises in Uganda over the weekend.
Shocke!! Fondler ran te short as did raw liver. <ore Shock, T balls ran the long . WHAT IS HAPPENING?

The run was long and exciting and the hold was well provided with water, melons and oranges. Any way after the song led by the RA and to the amazement of the locals, we headed back home.

The journey was long and winding and at times we ended up in peoples' bomas But Alas…….. we all made it home.
Raw Liver proceeded to stretch the runners so popular were the stretches that she conducted for there different groups . (Little did she know that she would pay later for her generosity

After dressing up and walking past with great effort, the samosa and choma sausages at the day, we finally made it to the bar for the well deserved pints. We were well received and place well laid for a group as important as this .
After the hasheranl Anthem, Down Downs time the dreaded words of he RA.
Well the offenders for the week were mercury for purchasing a parking ticket for the run!!! Mpira for studying Raw Liver too closely during stretching exercise , House keys for losing her way to Naivasha over the weekend. Mguu and Fondler were honored for their Uganda exploits. Two new virgins were devirginated . Raw Liver was given a down down fro being a returnee Then the hash shit was hrsahonized! The name being Pimp Mwasi . Safari Ant proceeded to call him the Pimp . Nominee for hash shit were Fondler. Raw Liver, Mpira, Mercury. And The Winner is Raw Liver to the delight of the meanest, Warlord in the Meanest.

After down downs, we were treated to what is now a regular feature…..MBUZI from the hares.
The hashers then left the venue exhausted well fed ands satisfied that the guilty were aptly punished
On On
Crackers an Idiot

RUN NO - 1617
Venue CRACKERS PUB, Muthaiga Mini-Market Hares: CRACK-ASS & IDIOT
Critics: FIREME & PANUA

Gather around was called by GM JOE BIG at 17:35hrs by a good number of Hashers had made it to the venue. The weather was nice and sunny away from the chilly days experienced in June and therefore the hashers had to display their sleeveless Tshirts and bright colors for the forest run.

Important announcement was the marking of the runs, notice given by concerning authorities of the use of lime in the forest and on trees should be avoided. Hares must be cautious while marking and should use very little chalk/lime as it is killing the trees and vegetation.
Announcements for upcoming runs: Weekend run at the Great Rift Valley Lodge by WF (wetfuck) birthday annual run wkend 12-13th July.
Next Monday run will be at area ROASTERS on Thika Road.
Weekend in Diani Mombasa, in 8 - 10 August being organized Idiot & Crackass

At 17.45hrs it was out to the exit where there was a split of long and short. The short were taken through the other side if Muthaiga, down into Karura forest, a 3km down hill before climbing to come out on Limuru Road where we had a wet hold. At the hold we were entertained by Dutch who tried teaching hashers some songs which they couldn't get a word correct and could only sing in their mother-tongues as the words were too hard to repeat!!

The run was nice fresh and enjoyable, no shit in the forest and only one easy stone bridge to cross. Down downs were conducted by KICHWA Wanjohi, the male hashers were trilled to hear that there 7 new virgins (gals). It was a treat to laughter when Warlord Conyo was to get a drink from from his shoe that 1k was found in that shoes but this did not stop him from swallowing the down.

A gift from the Boston Hash was presented to GM Joe Big by WF Wetfuck but not before the hashers cleaned with beer and foot-stamping, Supa used it to clean her shoes and finally the GM had to wear it. Then a dance and song competition where the winner was to get a bottle of Vice Roy; contesters were Lonesome, ATR and Wetfuck. Can you believe that Lonesome could do spin 360 on the table? He did it. Lonesome & ATR won the drink. Well done guys and thumbs to Warlord for his generosity .
Finally it was time for the bitings from the hares; chicken, ugali and chips was served.
Cheers, bravo hares it was a job well done.. Coincidentally last year I was the critic at the same venue and Crackass the hare! What is & why?

FIREME Hélène & PANUA Salome

In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their
family member lay gravely ill.
Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber.
"I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces.
"The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant.
It's an experimental procedure, very risky but it is the only hope.
Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the brain yourselves."
The family members sat silently as they absorbed the news. After a great length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?"
The doctor quickly responded, "R5, 000 for a male brain, and R200 for a female brain."
The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked. A man unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, "Why is the male brain so much more?"
The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group, "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they've actually been used, the male brains are hardly ever used by the owners, so they are as good as new".

Due to inherit a fortune when his sickly widower father died, George decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with. He went to a singles bar and spotted a woman whose beauty took his breath away. By this time George was past tipsy.
He reeled up to the woman and slurred , " I am just an ordinary man, but in a week or two, my father will die and i'll inherit 20 million dollars!"
The woman went home with George and the next day she became his stepmother.

Hello?"
"Hi honey, this is Daddy...is your Mommy near the phone?"
"No Daddy, she's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank,"
After a brief pause Daddy says, "But you haven't got an Uncle Frank, honey!"
"Oh Yes I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy, right now!"
"Uh Okay then......here's what I want you do. Put down the phone, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy and Uncle Frank that Daddy's car just pulled up outside the house."
"Okay Daddy!" A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone.
"Well I did what you said, Daddy."
"And what happened?" he asks.
"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and went flying out the front window and now she's all bleeding with a broken neck."
"Oh my God!!!!! And what about your Uncle Frank?"
"He jumped out of bed with no clothes on too and he was all scared and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool....but he must have forgotten that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and now he's writhing in pain"
*** long pause ***
Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool???? Is this 555-7039?
"No! This is 555-7093" the little girl said.
"Ooeeppss....sorry wrong number!"
life is a soap opera.....live it!!

A priest was being honoured at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner. He was delayed, so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited. "I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person to enter my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss' wife, taken
illegal drugs and he had given VD to his sister. I was appalled. But as the days went on I knew that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people." Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave
his talk. "I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived," said the politician. "In fact, I had the honour of being the first one to go to him in confession....." Everybody burst into laughter....
Moral of the story: DON'T BE LATE for meetings. ASPIRE to INSPIRE before your EXPIRE!

A man, sitting outside his home about to be evicted from his house, was contemplating how the future would be after he had divorced his wife, lost his children, lost his job.
He notices a crate of BEER bottles and walks up to it. He takes out an empty bottle, smashing it into the concrete wall swearing, "You are the reason I don't have a wife"; second bottle, "You are the reason I don't have my children"; third bottle "You are the
reason I lost my job".
He notices the fourth BOTTLE is sealed and still full of beer . He takes the bottle, puts it aside and says "I know you were not involved".

One day I met a sweet gentleman and fell in love. When it became apparent that we would marry, I made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.
Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way home from work. Since I lived in the countryside I called my husband and told him that I would be late because I had to walk home. On my way, I passed by a small diner and the odour of baked beans was more than I could stand. With miles to walk, I figured that I would walk off any ill effects by the time I reached home, so I stopped at the diner and before I knew it, I had consumed three large orders of baked beans. All the way home, I made sure that I released ALL the gas.
Upon my arrival, my husband seemed excited to see me and exclaimed delightedly: "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight!"

He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang. He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned and went to answer the call.

The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming most unbearable, so while my husband was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill. I took my napkin
from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously.

Then, shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage!!!

Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on like this for another few minutes. The pleasure was indescribable. When eventually the telephone farewells signalled the end of my freedom, I quickly fanned the air a few more
times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself.

My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband returned, apologizing for taking so long. He asked me if I had peeked through the blindfold, and I assured him I had not.

At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table chorused: "Happy Birthday!"

I fainted!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

A man, sitting outside his home about to be evicted from his house, was contemplating how the future would be after he had divorced his wife, lost his children, lost his job.

He notices a crate of BEER bottles and walks up to it. He takes out an empty bottle, smashing it into the concrete wall swearing, "You are the reason I don't have a wife"; second bottle, "You are the reason I don't have my children"; third bottle "You are the
reason I lost my job".

He notices the fourth BOTTLE is sealed and still full of beer . He takes the bottle, puts it aside and says "I know you were not involved".

Never try to outsmart a woman

There was a man who had worked all of his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real miser when it came to his money. Just before he died, he said to his wife, "When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me."
And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him. Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a minute!" She had a box with her; she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away.
Her friend said, "I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband."
The loyal wife replied "Listen, I'm a Christian; I can't go back on my word.
I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him."
"You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!!!!?" "I sure did" said the wife". "I got it all together, put it into my account and wrote him a cheque. If he can cash it, he can spend it."

Girls night out
Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away.

Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.

The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'.

A woman came out of her house and saw three old men with long white beards sitting in her front yard. She did not recognize them.
Then she said, "I don't think I know you, but you must be hungry. Please come in and have something to eat."
"Is the man of the house home?", they asked.
"No," she said. "He's out."
"Then we cannot come in," they replied.

In the evening when her husband came home, she told him what had happened.
So, he said, "Go tell them I'm home, and invite them in!"

The woman went out and invited the men in.
"We do not go into a house together," they replied.
"Why is that?" she wanted to know.
One of the old men explained. "His name is Wealth, "he said pointing to one of his friends, and pointing to another one he said, "This man is Success, and I am Love." Then he added, "Now, go and discuss with your husband which one of us you want in your home."

The woman went in and told her husband what was said.
Her husband was over-joyed. "How nice!" he said. "Since that's the case, let us invite in Wealth. Let him come in and fill our home with wealth!"

His wife disagreed. "Why don't we invite Success?"
But, their daughter was listening from the corner of the room. She jumped in with her own suggestion. "Wouldn't it be better to invite Love? Our home will then be filled with love!"

The wife agreed. "Then, let us heed our daughter's advice," said the husband to his wife. "Go out and invite Love in to be our guest."

The woman went out and asked the three old men,
"Which one of you is Love? Please come in and be our guest."

Love got up and started walking toward the house. Then the other two also got up and followed him.

Surprised, the lady asked Wealth and Success, "I Only invited in Love, as you directed. Why are you all coming in?"

The old men replied together, "If you had invited Only Wealth or Success, the other two of us would have stayed. However, since you invited Love... wherever He goes, we go with him... because wherever there is Love, there is also Wealth and Success!"

Billing ...
A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party.
Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice.
After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"
"I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill."
The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try.
The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills.
When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.

A priest was being honoured at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner. He was delayed, so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited. "I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place.

The very first person to enter my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss' wife, taken illegal drugs and he had given VD to his sister. I was appalled. But as the days went on I knew that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people." Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk. "I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived," said the politician. "In fact, I had the honour of being the first one to go to him in confession....." Everybody burst into laughter....Moral of the story: DON'T BE LATE for meetings. ASPIRE to INSPIRE before your EXPIRE

THE GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN

Between 18 and 20, a woman is like Africa. Half discovered, half-wild, naturally beautiful with fertile deltas.

Between 21 and 30, a woman is like America. Well developed and open to trade, especially for someone with cash.

Between 31 and 35, she is like India. Very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.

Between 36 and 40, a woman is like France. Gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.

Between 41 and 50, she is like Yugoslavia. Lost the war, haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary.

Between 51 and 60, she is like Russia, Very wide and borders are un-patrolled. The frigid climate keeps people away.

Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Mongolia. A glorious and all conquering past but alas, no future.

After 70, they become like Afghanistan. Everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there.

THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN

Between 15 and 90, a man is like Zimbabwe. Ruled by a dick.

As I walked down the busy city footpath, knowing I was late for an important meeting, my eye fell upon one of those unfortunate, homeless vagabond that are found in every town these days. Wearing what can only be describes as rags, clearly carrying every single worldly possession in just a couple of plastic bags, how could my heart not be touched by this person's condition? Some people turned to stare at the person. Others quickly looked away, as if the sight would somehow contaminate them. I was determined not to be like them, and just turn away. Recalling some long ago Sunday School admonition to "care for the sick, feed the hungry and clothe the naked," I was moved by some powerful inner urge to reach out to this unfortunate person. Yes, where some people saw only rags, I saw a hidden beauty. A small voice inside my head called out, "Reach out, reach out!" So I did.....................

LITTLE GIRL: Mommy, I just found out that our neighbor's son has a penis like a peanut! MUM: You mean it's small. LITTLE GIRL: No, it's salty!!!

A couple recently married were happy with the whole thing. He was happy with the hole, and she was happy with the thing.

What is the closest thing to a woman's period? Your SALARY... It comes once a month lasts 4 or 5 days, and if it doesn't come, you are FUCKED!!!

MUM: Didn't I tell you if a stranger touches your breast say, "DON'T." & if he touches your pussy say STOP! GIRL: But mum, he touched both, so I told him DON'T STOP!!!!"

A man was carrying 3 babies in a train. The lady sitting next to him asked: Are they your babies? MAN: No, I work in a condom factory and these are customer COMPLAINTS.

A guy goes up to a girl in a bar and says: You want to play magic. She says: What is that? He says: We go Home, screw, and then you disappear.

What's the difference between a panty and a stage curtain? Answer: When you pull down the stage curtain, show is over, but when you pull down the PANTY... IT'S SHOWTIME.

Three old guys are out walking. First one says, "Windy, isn't it?" Second one says, "No, it's Thursday!" Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer."

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?" Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'" The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful."

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split. The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?" "No," he replied, "Arthritis."